Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
high people should be assigned attendants
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
