Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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