I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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