I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
