I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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