I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
