glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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