oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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