I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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