why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
