i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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