Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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