The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
