I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
