Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
