Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
