that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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