I think I died a long time ago.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
