I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
