Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
