she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
