Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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