What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
How's work?
Spinning.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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