i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
