I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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