I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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