i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm at about main and main street
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
