Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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