I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
