I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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