I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
