The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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