we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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