"it" just moved
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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