worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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