I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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