I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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