I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
lets start a swedish sibling band together
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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