I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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