Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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