and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
