i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
