absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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