She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
