I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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