hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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