i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
