For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
