You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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