how can u be prego again
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
