My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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