I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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